share a joke thread

[bilal]

Quote: (Originally Posted by Wylde-Tremonti)

Not Really A Joke... but a vid of one of my favorite Comedians!
Jeff Dunham!

thats an amazing talent to do that .....

[metalchris25]

There was a long, long line of spirits at the gate waiting to get into heaven. Not all these spirits could fit into heaven, so the ones who died the worst death would be allowed in.

The first man in line started telling his story, ''Well, Peter, you see, I knew that my wife was cheating on me so I decided to come home early from work one day to catch them in action. I got home and searched all over but I couldn't find him. Then when I walked out onto the balcony, there he was dangling off the darn thing by his fingertips. So I ran and got a hammer then started beating him with it and he fell. Well, the fall didn't kill him, because he landed in a bush so I picked up the refrigerator and threw it on him. Although that killed him, the strain gave me a heart attack, and here I am.''

The next man came up and started his story. ''St. Peter, I always work out on my balcony on the 14th floor of my apartment building. I was on my bike one day and I fell off when it flipped. I sailed over the rail and I thought 'Please God spare my life' and he did. I caught on to a balcony below me. I was even happier when a man discovered me hanging there. But all of a sudden he started beating my hands with a hammer so I fell again. But the dear Lord saved me again when I landed in a bush. But I'm here now because the guy threw his refrigerator on top of me.''

It was now the third guy's turn to start his story. ''Well, Peter, just picture this. I'm hiding butt naked in this married chick's refrigerator.....'''

[Wylde-Tremonti]

Quote: (Originally Posted by metalchris25)

There was a long, long line of spirits at the gate waiting to get into heaven. Not all these spirits could fit into heaven, so the ones who died the worst death would be allowed in.

The first man in line started telling his story, ''Well, Peter, you see, I knew that my wife was cheating on me so I decided to come home early from work one day to catch them in action. I got home and searched all over but I couldn't find him. Then when I walked out onto the balcony, there he was dangling off the darn thing by his fingertips. So I ran and got a hammer then started beating him with it and he fell. Well, the fall didn't kill him, because he landed in a bush so I picked up the refrigerator and threw it on him. Although that killed him, the strain gave me a heart attack, and here I am.''

The next man came up and started his story. ''St. Peter, I always work out on my balcony on the 14th floor of my apartment building. I was on my bike one day and I fell off when it flipped. I sailed over the rail and I thought 'Please God spare my life' and he did. I caught on to a balcony below me. I was even happier when a man discovered me hanging there. But all of a sudden he started beating my hands with a hammer so I fell again. But the dear Lord saved me again when I landed in a bush. But I'm here now because the guy threw his refrigerator on top of me.''

It was now the third guy's turn to start his story. ''Well, Peter, just picture this. I'm hiding butt naked in this married chick's refrigerator.....'''

Not Theologically accurate... but still pretty funny!

[metalchris25]

I love this one:


A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.

"It's a period,'' said the little boy.

"Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''

''Damned if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

[bilal]

A little boy is in school working on his arithmetic. The teacher says, "Imagine there are 5 black birds sitting on a fence. You pick up your BB gun and shoot one. How many
blackbirds are left?"
The little boy thinks for a moment and says, "NONE!" The teacher replies, "None, how do you figure that?" The little boy says, if I shoot one, all the other birds will fly away scared, leaving none on the fence." The teacher replies, "Hmm, not exactly, but I do like the way you think!"
The little boy then says, "Teacher, let me ask you a question.
There are 3 women sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is licking her cone, another is biting it and the third one is sucking it. How can you tell which one of the women is married?"
The teacher ponders the question uncomfortably and then finally replies, "Well, I guess the one sucking her cone."
To which the little boy replies, "Actually, its the one with the wedding ring, but I do like the way YOU think!"

[Rocketqueen]

i wonder were that teachers mind was ...haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa i would have chose biting

[Rocketqueen]

Quote: (Originally Posted by metalchris25)

I love this one:


A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.

"It's a period,'' said the little boy.

"Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''

''Damned if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

poor kid.... its all in days work haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

[Ana4Stapp]

A letter from a daughter to her dad!!!!! Read It.....

Father passing by his teenage daughter's bedroom was astonished to see
the bed was nicely made and everything was neat
and tidy. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the centre
of the pillow. It was addressed "Dad".
With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter
with trembling hands:-

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you, but I'm
leaving home.I had to elope with my new boyfriend Randy because I wanted
toavoid a scene with Mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Randy
and he is so nice to me. I know when you meet him you'll like him too -
even with all his piercing, tattoos, and motorcycle clothes. But it's
not only the passion Dad, I'm pregnant and Randy said that he wants me
to have the kid and that we can be very happy ! together. Even though
Randy is much older than me (anyway,42 isn'tso old these days is it?),and
has no money, really these things shouldn't stand in the way of our
relationship,don't you agree?

Randy has a great CD collection; he already owns a trailer in the woods
and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. It's true he has
other girlfriends as well but I know he'll be faithful to me in his own
way. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my
dreams too. Randy taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone
and he'll be growing it for us and we'll trade it with our friends for
all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that
science will find a cure for AIDS so Randy can get better; he sure
deserves it!!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of
myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know
your grandchildren.

Your loving daughter,
Rosie.

At the ! bottom of the page were the letters "PTO".
Hands still trembling, her father turned the sheet, and read:

PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbour's house.I
just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my
report card that's in my desk centre drawer. Please sign it and call
when it is safe for me to come home. I love you!!!

[Ana4Stapp]

The teacher, in an attempt to stimulate their minds, asked the class the
following question,
"What is bright red and shiny?".
Little Johnny jumped up and shouted, "A fire engine
!!!!???"
No! No!" said the teacher," But I like the way you think.. anyone else?"
Little Susan replied that it was an apple and everyone was happy except
Johnny of course....
Anyway, Little Johnny asked the teacher if he can ask a question to
which she nodded OK.
"What is long, hard, rounded and has hair at one end?"
"JOHNNY!!!" she screamed, "WE'LL HAVE NONE OF THAT TALK HERE..."
Johnny replied, "No, it's a toothbrush, but I like the way you think"..


Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher
picked him to answer a question..
"Johnny, if there were 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with
your gun, how many would be left?"
"None", replied Johnny "cause the rest would fly away."
"Well, the answer is 4", said the teacher. "but I like the way you are
thinking." Little Johnny retaliated.
"I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice
cream cones in a shop,
one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one
sucking her cone, which one is married?
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?"
"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger.
But I like the way you are thinking.."




One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class,
I'm going to reach into the bag
and describe a fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about.
" Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red." of course, Little Johnny
raised his hand high,
but the teacher wisely ignored him and picked little Deborah, who
promptly answered "An apple."
"No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking.
Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish..
" Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the
teacher to call on him.
But she skips him again and calls on Little Billy..
"Is it a peach?" "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato.
But I like your thinking.."


Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard.
" By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically..
But the teacher skips him again and calls on little
Sally.. "A banana," she says.. "No," the teacher replies, "it's a
squash, but I like your thinking."
Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly..
"Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket.
Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and its got a head on it."
"Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!"
"Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a coin, but I like your thinking"

[metalchris25]

that letter one was awesome!!!LOL
Give a guy a heart attack...

[Higher_Desire]

i heard a great one yesterday...


Q: why was the chicken kicked out of church?
A: he had a "fowl" mouth!!!!!


hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha .

[Rocketqueen]

LMAO...Collin There Was Only One Thing I found Funny About That ...I DID,NT FIND IT FUNNY hehe,

[bilal]

A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping. She is bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper.

"Pardon me, sir," she says to the store manager, "but can you explain the differences in all these toilet papers?"

"Well," he replies pointing out one brand, "this is as soft as a baby's kiss. It's $1.50 per roll."

He grabs another and says, "This is nice and soft as a bunny, strong but gentle, and it's $1.00 a roll."

Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, "We call that our No Name brand, and it's 20 cents per roll."

"Give me the No Name," she says.

She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager and says, "Hey! I've got a name for your No Name toilet paper. I call it John Wayne."

"Why?" he asks.

"Because it's rough, it's tough and it don't take crap off anybody!"

[bilal]

Funny Bumper Stickers

My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.

If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.

Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.

You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me.

The Earth Is Full - Go Home.

I Have The Body Of A God ... Buddha.

So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.

Illiterate? Write For Help.

Honk If Anything Falls Off.

Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes.

You! Out Of The Gene Pool!

I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.

If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me BackOver...
(Seen Upside Down On A Jeep)

Remember: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Also Work at 70mph.

Guys: No Shirt, No Service. Gals: No Shirt, No Charge

If Walking Is So Good For You, then Why Does My Mailman
Look Like Jabba The Hut?

Ax Me About Ebonics.

Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel.

Boldly Going Nowhere.

My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.

GROW YOUR OWN DOPE --- PLANT A MAN.

All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

So you're a feminist ... Isn't that precious.

I need someone really bad ... Are you really bad?

Your Proctologist called ... he found your head.

[bilal]

An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York building, when a young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Romance by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!"

Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Chanel No.5, $200 an ounce. "

About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over, farts and says...

"Broccolli. 49 cents a pound."