Kissing Hank's Butt: a(-)religous story

[RalphyS]

Kissing Hank's Butt

This morning there was a knock at my door. When I answered the door I found a well groomed, nicely dressed couple. The man spoke first:

John: "Hi! I'm John, and this is Mary."

Mary: "Hi! We're here to invite you to come kiss Hank's butt with us."

Me: "Pardon me?! What are you talking about? Who's Hank, and why would I want to kiss His butt?"

John: "If you kiss Hank's butt, He'll give you a million dollars; and if you don't, He'll kick the snot out of you."

Me: "What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob shake-down?"

John: "Hank is a billionaire philanthropist. Hank built this town. Hank owns this town. He can do whatever He wants, and what He wants is to give you a million dollars, but He can't until you kiss His butt."

Me: "That doesn't make any sense. Why..."

Mary: "Who are you to question Hank's gift? Don't you want a million dollars? Isn't it worth a little kiss on the butt?"

Me: "Well maybe, if it's legit, but..."

John: "Then come kiss Hank's butt with us."

Me: "Do you kiss Hank's butt often?"

Mary: "Oh yes, all the time..."

Me: "And has He given you a million dollars?"

John: "Well no. You don't actually get the money until you leave town."

Me: "So why don't you just leave town now?"

Mary: "You can't leave until Hank tells you to, or you don't get the money, and He kicks the snot out of you."

Me: "Do you know anyone who kissed Hank's butt, left town, and got the million dollars?"

John: "My mother kissed Hank's butt for years. She left town last year, and I'm sure she got the money."

Me: "Haven't you talked to her since then?"

John: "Of course not, Hank doesn't allow it."

Me: "So what makes you think He'll actually give you the money if you've never talked to anyone who got the money?"

Mary: "Well, He gives you a little bit before you leave. Maybe you'll get a raise, maybe you'll win a small lotto, maybe you'll just find a twenty-dollar bill on the street."

Me: "What's that got to do with Hank?"

John: "Hank has certain 'connections.'"

Me: "I'm sorry, but this sounds like some sort of bizarre con game."

John: "But it's a million dollars, can you really take the chance? And remember, if you don't kiss Hank's butt He'll kick the snot out of you."

Me: "Maybe if I could see Hank, talk to Him, get the details straight from Him..."

Mary: "No one sees Hank, no one talks to Hank."

Me: "Then how do you kiss His butt?"

John: "Sometimes we just blow Him a kiss, and think of His butt. Other times we kiss Karl's butt, and he passes it on."

Me: "Who's Karl?"

Mary: "A friend of ours. He's the one who taught us all about kissing Hank's butt. All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few times."

Me: "And you just took his word for it when he said there was a Hank, that Hank wanted you to kiss His butt, and that Hank would reward you?"

John: "Oh no! Karl has a letter he got from Hank years ago explaining the whole thing. Here's a copy; see for yourself."

From the Desk of Karl
Kiss Hank's butt and He'll give you a million dollars when you leave town.
Use alcohol in moderation.
Kick the snot out of people who aren't like you.
Eat right.
Hank dictated this list Himself.
The moon is made of green cheese.
Everything Hank says is right.
Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.
Don't use alcohol.
Eat your wieners on buns, no condiments.
Kiss Hank's butt or He'll kick the snot out of you.

Me: "This appears to be written on Karl's letterhead."

Mary: "Hank didn't have any paper."

Me: "I have a hunch that if we checked we'd find this is Karl's handwriting."

John: "Of course, Hank dictated it."

Me: "I thought you said no one gets to see Hank?"

Mary: "Not now, but years ago He would talk to some people."

Me: "I thought you said He was a philanthropist. What sort of philanthropist kicks the snot out of people just because they're different?"

Mary: "It's what Hank wants, and Hank's always right."

Me: "How do you figure that?"

Mary: "Item 7 says 'Everything Hank says is right.' That's good enough for me!"

Me: "Maybe your friend Karl just made the whole thing up."

John: "No way! Item 5 says 'Hank dictated this list himself.' Besides, item 2 says 'Use alcohol in moderation,' Item 4 says 'Eat right,' and item 8 says 'Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.' Everyone knows those things are right, so the rest must be true, too."

Me: "But 9 says 'Don't use alcohol.' which doesn't quite go with item 2, and 6 says 'The moon is made of green cheese,' which is just plain wrong."

John: "There's no contradiction between 9 and 2, 9 just clarifies 2. As far as 6 goes, you've never been to the moon, so you can't say for sure."

Me: "Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is made of rock..."

Mary: "But they don't know if the rock came from the Earth, or from out of space, so it could just as easily be green cheese."

Me: "I'm not really an expert, but I think the theory that the Moon was somehow 'captured' by the Earth has been discounted*. Besides, not knowing where the rock came from doesn't make it cheese."

John: "Ha! You just admitted that scientists make mistakes, but we know Hank is always right!"

Me: "We do?"

Mary: "Of course we do, Item 7 says so."

Me: "You're saying Hank's always right because the list says so, the list is right because Hank dictated it, and we know that Hank dictated it because the list says so. That's circular logic, no different than saying 'Hank's right because He says He's right.'"

John: "Now you're getting it! It's so rewarding to see someone come around to Hank's way of thinking."

Me: "But...oh, never mind. What's the deal with wieners?"

Mary: She blushes.

John: "Wieners, in buns, no condiments. It's Hank's way. Anything else is wrong."

Me: "What if I don't have a bun?"

John: "No bun, no wiener. A wiener without a bun is wrong."

Me: "No relish? No Mustard?"

Mary: She looks positively stricken.

John: He's shouting. "There's no need for such language! Condiments of any kind are wrong!"

Me: "So a big pile of sauerkraut with some wieners chopped up in it would be out of the question?"

Mary: Sticks her fingers in her ears."I am not listening to this. La la la, la la, la la la."

John: "That's disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would eat that..."

Me: "It's good! I eat it all the time."

Mary: She faints.

John: He catches Mary. "Well, if I'd known you were one of those I wouldn't have wasted my time. When Hank kicks the snot out of you I'll be there, counting my money and laughing. I'll kiss Hank's butt for you, you bunless cut-wienered kraut-eater."

With this, John dragged Mary to their waiting car, and sped off.

Source: Jhuger.com

[bilal]

i read these things only for the humour, didnt find any of it in this one ... may be i could have appeciate the creativity in it, that was'nt much in it too ........

Quote:

Me: "I thought you said He was a philanthropist. What sort of philanthropist kicks the snot out of people just because they're different?"

people are different because they chose to be...... those who have no curosity to seek LORD word or those who dont want to study and then deny, will have to prepare good set of Arguments when they have to deal with LORD himself on the day of judgement......, God created world and you dont find any thing oppresive in HIS creation, it reflects only MERCY and BENOVELENCE...... every one, beliver or disbeliever will find the same at the day of judgement, but do you think LORD has let you lose with anything to guide you, take first step and you will see things drawing towards you themselves, its just those people who are scared or corrupt inside who play these games......to you think i will trade for this joke, LORD's words?...... if i do, i am surely making a bad deal.....and i wont find any refuge in myself or anywhere if i do that, specially when my heart and soul has led me through all the test of questioning and seeking?..... shall i leave my LORD cause some people fail to understand HIM?.............

[RalphyS]

people are different because they chose to be...... those who have no curiosity to kiss Hank's butt or those who dont want to study and then deny, will have to prepare good set of Arguments when they have to deal with Hank himself on the day of judgement......, Hank created this town and you dont find any thing oppresive in Hank's creation, it reflects only MERCY and BENOVELENCE...... every one, believer or disbeliever will find the same at the day of judgement, but do you think Hank has let you lose with anything to guide you, take first step and you will see things drawing towards you themselves, its just those people who are scared or corrupt inside who play these games......to you think i will trade for this joke, Hank's words?...... if i do, i am surely making a bad deal.....and i wont find any refuge in myself or anywhere if i do that, specially when my heart and soul has led me through all the test of questioning and seeking?..... shall i not kiss Hank's butt cause some people fail to understand Hank?.............

I fear Hank's judgement just as much as I fear your Lord's judgment, maybe this makes that clear to you. To you Hank is not real and you would tell those people at your door to go f..k themselves (pardon my French), if you do understand that, you can understand that your Lord is as real to me as Hank is to you.

[bilal]

^ that is exactly what i infered from this pieace of writing.... that for you, My LORD in which i belive more than i do in my own existance, is what HANK is in this topic........ but you see Ralphy, the reason i got pissed off was becuase believers, in this topic ,are portrayed as cowards, those who dont have gutts, strength, willingness to challange what their religion puts in theri heads. And i know i am not one of them.......and i know many are not like those..... you thinkg Religion makes such stupid ASSIMPTIONS..... do u think its only those who dont believe in any religion are the ones who can actually see the faults and cracks in the religion and think that those who are following a path are following it blindly?...... thats the mistake i wanted to higlight in this thread........ its easy to make fun of things but Mr.Ralply, but just as this thread assumes , its equally difficult for a non-beliver to assess his own postion and look from the shoes of a bliever......... half knowledge is as dangerous as having no knowledge at all........

[Lunar Shadow]

I love this story Ralphy I was just reminded of it when it came up on a myspace bulliten

[eusebioCBR]

If this is how the faithful are regarded from your perspective, then I'll reply with my own simile.
Athiests kiss their own butts(ego tripping/self worship/self pitty.............self, self, self)

[RalphyS]

I hoped to show the believers another perspective with this story, I did not think it would deconvert anyone.

We, atheist, agnostics, non-believers are confronted with 'people knocking on our door' constantly, because we are surrounded by them and we are confronted by great stories of the benevolent 'Hank' that are as unbelievable as in the story above. Yet, especially in the USA and I suspect in islamic countries too, we are sometimes shunned and usually frowned upon for not believing in 'Hank'.

I can already hear people stating. but 'our Lord' is nothing like 'Hank', than please explain how he differs from 'Hank'.

[RalphyS]

Quote: (Originally Posted by bilal)

My LORD in which i believe more than i do in my own existance

On the one hand this is, excuse me for pointing it out, a very stupid remark, on the other hand it's probably true, because you know you exist, you do not have to believe it. This is the difference between knowledge and belief.

Quote: (Originally Posted by bilal)

but you see Ralphy, the reason i got pissed off was becuase believers, in this topic ,are portrayed as cowards, those who dont have gutts, strength, willingness to challange what their religion puts in theri heads. And i know i am not one of them

I am sorry, that I pissed you off, that was not my intention and I do have respect for those who at least studied and researched the basis of their local religion and maybe there are more of them as I assume, but I bet you that they are outnumbered by those who dare not challenge the roots of the belief system they've grown up in. Do you know what perhaps is the biggest difference between religious people and those who have rejected religion? Religious people were for the most part brought up in their religion, while most atheists, not all, were brought up in some religion, but later through either study or other logical reasoning came to the conclusion that it is not for them. And I ask you, Bilal, have you ever REALLY considered the option that we are presenting, I suspect not since you find it more likely that you don't exist, than that your lord doesn't exist! I actually never would use a word like coward for believers, but you are right that it does take a certain amount of courage to research the actual foundation on which you have based your life and than I mean not to chisel at it a bit, but turn it upside down.

Quote: (Originally Posted by bilal)

do u think its only those who dont believe in any religion are the ones who can actually see the faults and cracks in the religion and think that those who are following a path are following it blindly?...... thats the mistake i wanted to higlight in this thread........ its easy to make fun of things but Mr.Ralply, but just as this thread assumes , its equally difficult for a non-beliver to assess his own postion and look from the shoes of a bliever......... half knowledge is as dangerous as having no knowledge at all........

I do believe that many follow their religion's path blindly, I see the examples on tv everyday, do you really feel that in your country most believers have studied and researched, maybe even doubted the religion in which they grew up. Do they even have the opportunity to do so?

Perhaps half knowledge is dangerous, but as long as you make your decisions based on the half that you do know and not on the half that you are guessing about, I do think it is a better position, than assuming that there is someone who does know it all and let him make the decisions for you.

Look for the other half, search for it, do not assume you know what it is. As non-believers we do have to come to grips with the fact that we do not know everything and we keep on looking for that part through science. Believers on the other hand assume that the part that they don't know is God's work, but as we find out more and more of that part, the role of God diminishes more and more, because the questions become smaller and smaller.

[bilal]

Quote: (Originally Posted by RalphyS)

On the one hand this is, excuse me for pointing it out, a very stupid remark, on the other hand it's probably true, because you know you exist, you do not have to believe it. This is the difference between knowledge and belief.

oh Mr. Ralphy, I guess you realy did'nt had any need to make fun of the faith that I have ……. calling my feelings as stupid...., but that is just how i feel....... and i am not ashamed of it ........ cause I know that, just like you, I am temporary, and God has been here even before there was any galaxy or universe, even before there was any ear or mind to know about his existence….. and that is the reason I said that I believe in HIS existence more than I do in my own…… I am here right now, gone tomorrow……… someone else will replace me….. and so one day you will make your way to your grave too ….. and since death is more certain to occur, matter of few years, then whether or not we see the daylight tomorrow, you will be sure to say that death is more real than life……. a matter of comparision actually…… which to me is probably why I consider myself as non-existent as I may be in a matter of few years…. hehe… its just a way that I TRY to feel, has helped me be a little better man at some occasions……..

Quote: (Originally Posted by RalphyS)

I am sorry, that I pissed you off, that was not my intention and I do have respect for those who at least studied and researched the basis of their local religion and maybe there are more of them as I assume, but I bet you that they are outnumbered by those who dare not challenge the roots of the belief system they've grown up in.

and you bet you are right……. Ralph, here I would connect it a to the main matter, which you claim for which you posted this thread for, and that is the religious preachers that knock on your door……and preach you…… the reason that I think YOU are pissed off at them, and why I have felt piss off my self with my own religious folks, is that since we have tried to critically analyze the religious structures around us, we can feel a flavor of insincerity in their words, and why I feel pissed off with such folks is that they want followers but not the leaders……… and they don’t accept any criticism and refuse to argue on the matter of religion…… I am not sure you agree with me here… .but this is the way I feel with them, I being Muslim, I get other Muslim folks knocking on my door narrating stuff to me…… although I believe in the Stock they narrate to me, the system of preaching religion, i.e the system of conveying religion from one generation to another is not based on rich arguments but as you said, they were just born in it and then they carry it the same way……. here, I think, is a set back to all religious communities…..

ofcource, you and I both need to clarify our own versions of what we think this process of “challenging fundamentalism of our beliefs before reaching conclusions” acutallly is, but I guess you and I both agree atleast on the concept or the need for it…….

Quote: (Originally Posted by RalphyS)

And I ask you, Bilal, have you ever REALLY considered the option that we are presenting, I suspect not since you find it more likely that you don't exist, than that your lord doesn't exist

Ralphy, here I think, we are dealing with not how honest I appear to you or how much you think you want to appear to me, you and I both know that we are not talking about any game that one needs to play or set of steps that one need to carry out…. You and I are both talking about shaking our own beliefs, letting our selves apart from our own beliefs and investigating our own minds….. hehe….. no matter how much I brag here or how much you claim, what is more important here is how we feel really to our selves, that how much justice we have done…… and you know what Ralph…… let me tell you a secret……. That is exactly what LORD ALMIGHTY is gona ask you, me, everyone, on the day of judgement….. that whether did we do justice to our selves…..did we really satisfied our soul, our conscious in an unbiased acid test of our selves…… did you really left no stone unturned to search me….. cause if you have to end up in front of LORD ALMIGHTY, does this makes any difference to you that you spent all your life searching fro lhim…… you know what, if you can prove to LORD on the day of judgement that hey, I did this , I did that, and I came to conclusion that you were a spoke…. You might make it to Heaven, and I might end up in the Hell……

I suppose Eternity is a long long damn time……we can see Eternity if we see the past of everything, drag it before the time of big bang…even farther in the past…hey, we have eternity in one direction….why cant we have eternity on the other side….

Quote: (Originally Posted by RalphyS)

Look for the other half, search for it, do not assume you know what it is. As non-believers we do have to come to grips with the fact that we do not know everything and we keep on looking for that part through science. Believers on the other hand assume that the part that they don't know is God's work, but as we find out more and more of that part, the role of God diminishes more and more, because the questions become smaller and smaller.

Ralphy, here I would try to say few things in short, most welcome to again make fun of me latter. Do u think if to the people of the old times, a book based on science was given to them…..instead of HolyBooks that you challenge….do u think people would have been any more religious then they are now….. do u think people of that time had means and knowledge to explore that all, people have even worshiped the Sun and the Moon and whatnot….. even 50 years back, when a science fiction novel was released, people made fun of the author for describing gadgets and processes that are impossible, and yet now, we know that most of that stuff is in happening….. I think those old books of science would have been so forgotten by now… also, that wasn’t really the need of that time aswell…..people became religious for of those books…….ok, I am a Muslim, I know there is gona be no more Propeht Hood after our Holy Prophet (P.B.U.H.), but to me, Modren Sceince is the prophet of new age….. cause people look forward now to science to answer their questions, unlike in the past, people used to wait for the next Prophet….. in my Holy Book many things were of such nature that if people of old times started a quarrel over that, it could have been a big problem but its only modern science now that has given me the explanation of those verses in my Holy book. To me, science is the modern day Propeht and it will evolve into one…… religions will have to take the challenge of science or they have to go……

it’s a matter of what direction you give to your powers….i guess you hang out with people who keep trying to tell or prove that religion is fake, on the other hand, I live in a society where religion is safe and is the dominant part of our lives…….. its here that we need to have to do justice with our selves…..

[Rocketqueen]

GOD IS REALLY THE ASS KISSER TO US ALL, AMEN I really dont know where Relgion FIRST OF ALL WAS CREATED BY MAN AND RELGION Is What You Will Find The Weakness Of man kind to follow, GOD IS THE CREATOR OF THE EARTH AND ALL LIFE FORMS AND LIFE OF SINNERS AND SAINTS what he gave was common sense again it was man kind who gave unto the destroyer, it was not relgion when he gave his son to die for all our needs that all our needs ...and to suffer more life and death and haunting than no man is worthy to obtain THATS WHY HOLY HOLY IS HIS NAME WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO !!!! HOLY HOLY IS HIS NAME, b/c somebodys mamas is always in need of healing somebodys heart is broken somebody is always dying and in need of healing , but AGAIN that price was paid for the mamas for the broken hearted , blessed our those who mourn for they shall be indeed comforted , man kind is grounded in themeselves , and wrapped in a relgion that only sees the desire to fill its own needs BUT GOD IS AWSOME , with only a very few on his mind GOD WILL INCLINE HIS EARS TO THE PRAYERS OF THE FOOLS AND WILL INDEED HEAR THE PRAYERS OF THE BROKEN HEARTED AND THOSE WHO REALLY NEED A HEALING, The 10 Commandments was given In The Old Test , these words were not words to live by like so many stays grounded in it was just common sense, Dont Do These Things These Commandments Were Given To A Genaration, He Had Not Strifed For Wisdom Nor Love Nor Understanding But To Get Out Of Bondage They Were Promised DELIVERANCE i believe at one time Pharroha And God was seeing eye to eye , even he knew they would turn against their GOD this genaration of hebrew slaves , was not ready for the victory GOD HAD PLACED BEFORE THEME, BUT GOD WAS GOD And It Was Not So Much About Eygpt Or The Hebrew Slaves But It Was About One Man Who Was Chosen NOT TO SAVE HIS PEOPLE BUT TO FIND HIS GOD , and i think by the time moses came down from that burning bush , just by being that close to God he knew THE LOVE OF GOD HE DESIRED THAT LOVE THAT FIRE AND WITHIN MOSES HEART BURNED A DEEPER TRUTH THAN THE 10 COMMANDENTS Which In this day In Time , would be translated as just a message AMEN , and it its truly a number 1 topic from the bible the ten commandments, and i can hear that deepness and feel that white hair of mossess , AND THAT FAITH HE HAD, as he was holding on to what he found in a bush hear could be another that said i thirst, for more but i believe that moses was whispered to and held strong , that their would come another WHO To fufill His LAW ....of what he felt as that bush was burning, behind that all counsouming fire of that bush that was burning with plenty more to give ....and that probley satasfied moses for the rest of his days , and i do believe that moses spirt was unto elder to christ as to all the prophets before him, Ralphy your kissing the wrong ass , GOD Does Not Like For You To Kiss His Ass NEVER I HAVE READ THOU SHALL KISS THE ASS OF THE LORD YOUR GOD , HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAa THEY BROUGT BEFORE HIM ASSES TO KISS OF OX AND BULLS , now from common since THE LORD EXPECTS MORE Out Of His People and he gets it from those who are willing to sacrafice their time hearts and mind even if they only give small portions there giving theme selfs , BUT WE STILL GOT A LOT OF ASSES Being Sacraficed At The Alters HAAAAAAAAAAAAA i,ll take it my child of a genaration now passed Go Now And Peace Be With You Your story Ralphy Opend Me, cool