Perceptions (funny)

TeriB19 · 01-21-2004, 04:43 PM

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the guy who once said:
"I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen...and replaced by exact duplicates."
His mind sees things differently than we do - to our amazement and amusement. Here are some more of his gems:
================================================== ===========
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard

Higher_Desire · 01-21-2004, 04:46 PM

Sounds like that guys a few french fries short of a happy meal. A few sandwiches short of a picnic. A few leaves short of a tree.

An originality wannabe, in short.

H-D

facelessman · 01-22-2004, 10:51 PM

sounds good to me

JulieCitySlicker · 01-22-2004, 10:53 PM

hayley · 01-22-2004, 11:41 PM

There some funny ones in there, he sounds like a weird dude

TeriB19 · 01-22-2004, 11:45 PM

Steven Wright is very odd but really funny.

HoundDog · 01-23-2004, 09:31 PM

ok....

Hunterr · 01-24-2004, 03:12 PM

Quote: (Originally Posted by TeriB19) If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the guy who once said:
"I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen...and replaced by exact duplicates."
His mind sees things differently than we do - to our amazement and amusement. Here are some more of his gems:
================================================== ===========
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard

That was funny. Thanks for the laugh. You have a good weekend.

Bridge of Clay · 01-24-2004, 07:26 PM

can't disagree!!!!!!!!!!

01-21-2004, 04:43 PM	#1
TeriB19 Forum Diplomat USER INFO » Status: Saving Grace Posts: 12,439 Joined: Sep 2002 Currently: Offline	Perceptions (funny) If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the guy who once said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen...and replaced by exact duplicates." His mind sees things differently than we do - to our amazement and amusement. Here are some more of his gems: ================================================== =========== I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back. Half the people you know are below average. 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain. All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. OK, so what's the speed of dark? How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink? If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now. I intend to live forever - so far, so good. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. What happens if you get scared half to death twice? My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder." Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard __________________ MK: We're never gonna have the Super Bowl of Scott Stapp vs. Myles Kennedy in a sing-off - it's ridiculous. SP: Actually, we are setting that up. MT: It was in your contract when you signed up with us.

01-21-2004, 04:46 PM	#2
Higher_Desire USER INFO » Status: Found Peace Posts: 8,631 Joined: Apr 2003 Currently: Offline	Sounds like that guys a few french fries short of a happy meal. A few sandwiches short of a picnic. A few leaves short of a tree. An originality wannabe, in short. H-D __________________ Today I'm gonna try a little harder Gonna make every minute last longer Gonna learn to forgive and forget 'Cause we don't have long Gonna make the most of it Today I'm gonna love my enemies Reach out to somebody who needs me Make a change, make the world a better place 'Cause tomorrow could be one day too late --lyrics from "One Day Too Late" by Skillet from their new album "Awake"

01-22-2004, 10:53 PM	#4
JulieCitySlicker USER INFO » Status: Taken Higher Posts: 15,310 Joined: Oct 2002 Currently: Offline	Heh __________________ Oh I'm a wandering soul I'm still walking the line that leads me home alone All I know I still got mountains to climb on my own Enough To Let Me Go-Switchfoot

01-22-2004, 11:45 PM	#6
TeriB19 Forum Diplomat USER INFO » Status: Saving Grace Posts: 12,439 Joined: Sep 2002 Currently: Offline	Steven Wright is very odd but really funny. __________________ MK: We're never gonna have the Super Bowl of Scott Stapp vs. Myles Kennedy in a sing-off - it's ridiculous. SP: Actually, we are setting that up. MT: It was in your contract when you signed up with us.

01-24-2004, 03:12 PM	#8
Hunterr USER INFO » Status: Unspoken Posts: 31 Joined: Dec 2003 Currently: Offline	Hi Quote: (Originally Posted by TeriB19) If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the guy who once said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen...and replaced by exact duplicates." His mind sees things differently than we do - to our amazement and amusement. Here are some more of his gems: ================================================== =========== I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back. Half the people you know are below average. 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain. All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. OK, so what's the speed of dark? How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink? If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now. I intend to live forever - so far, so good. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. What happens if you get scared half to death twice? My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder." Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard That was funny. Thanks for the laugh. You have a good weekend.

01-23-2004, 09:31 PM	#7
HoundDog USER INFO » Status: A Melody Posts: 284 Joined: Jan 2004 Currently: Offline	ok....

01-24-2004, 07:26 PM	#9
Bridge of Clay USER INFO » Status: Tree of Wisdom Posts: 8,025 Joined: Sep 2002 Currently: Offline	can't disagree!!!!!!!!!! __________________ .:: "If people don't like guitar solos... then they're frikkin' stupid!" - Mark Tremonti ::.

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