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hmmm, it was ok. It wasn't anything I haven't already seen before. But dude, seriously, you are taking away from it piece by piece by trying to please everyone. That's not cool. You should never change something you wrote like that unless you plan to put it to a song, otherwise it's just lame. It's not really your work of art if you change it again and again.
It just loses it's meaning and it's raw emotion. Poetry needs that raw emotion.
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