[uncertaindrumer]

Quote: (Originally Posted by MrSeeker)

experation date...

Dawn is braking and my spine is gone
So I sit pondering where it all went wrong

Come on man you know better than to put that second lin in there. How many times are we told people are pondering where it all went wrong?

Quote:

Here comes the pain
Defaming my name
Setting fire to my hate
Fueling my suicidal fate

This seems really cliche. I have basically heard all of this before, except for the second line, and that almost seems out of place, like you just wanted it to rhyme.

Quote:

Beset by your love and tossed to the tide
Your lies have burned me from inside

I really like the first line but then you force another rhyme in there. Not bad, the best part of the piece, but the rhyming is starting to make it sound childish.

Quote:

All I'm seeing is leading me to believe
That if I try to accept you that you will leave

You rhyme "leave" with "leave". I know it doesn't look like you rhymed a word with itself but you did. That's a no no.

Quote:

And that devastates me beyond compare
Knowing I need you and you won't be there

Come on, you can do better than this. Again, I have heard this all a million times before AND the rhyme isn't even worth it.

Quote:

Dehumanized to the fullest affect
Just an object for you to reject
You're a wound that just won't heal
You're the cut I just can't feel

Your four year old brother could rhyme "heal" with "feel". So unless you want to sound like Linkin Park, I'd stay away from that. The first two lines are better.

Quote:

And when all of me is bled dry
Will you cry
Will it kill you inside
I pray to God it does
Because I'm killing what once was
I've choked down defeat too many times before
But not this time, this is war

You have outlived your experation date.

Hrrmmm.... This seems more aggressive than the rest. Like your complaining and then all of the sudden you are being almost murderous. Kinda strange. Interesting but strange. Either way very blunt. You rarely hide things behind metaphors.

I think this is nowhere near as good as your "shaking hands with knives". That one wasn't quite so blunt and straightforward, and the theme wasn't quite so overused.