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uncertaindrumer · 11-04-2005, 03:07 PM

Quote: (Originally Posted by MrSeeker) Shaking Hands With Knives

Love the Title. Makes me want to continue reading.

Quote: Is this regret I taste or just more blood
A gun shot wound to the head or another dud
I'm dancing around the truth again
And I'm so familiar to being foreign

I really like that first line. Very good. The second line is weak though, and you know it. "dud"? Just doesn't fit in a song this somber. You don't have to rhyme, especially when it is that forced. The last two liens are pretty generic, nothing bad or good really.

Quote: To tell you the truth, I'm trying
To tell you the truth, I'm crying

Meh. More generic stuff.

Quote: Is this black or white or shades of gray
Is this when everything will pass away
I'm dancing on my own grave again
And I'm writing the end with pencil, not pen
All so I can erase my future like I did my past
When I was the winner that still came in last

The first three lines are all cliches. It would be better to avoid cliches, especially three in a row, unless you make a POINT of them being cliches, then you can get around it. The fourth line I REALLY REALLY like. I think that is the most inventive line I have heard in a while. But you hurt a bit with the fifth line. The whole point is to let people make their own conclusions. You can't spell everything out for them. The fact that you are writing in pencil SHOWS what you intend. You don't need to repeat it by saying "So i can erase..." Not a bad line on its own, but the fifth jsut harms a brilliant fourth. The last line is SOMEWHAT overused but here it works well.

Quote: Playing God with our own lives
Is like shaking hands with knives

Good. I like this. Not the best ever but good.

Quote: Soon enough to get cut and bled
Soon to lay as waste amongst the dead

No no no. Don't force something this much. "bled" barely fits here at all and it is clear you just wanted it to rhyme.

Quote: Is this regret I taste or just more blood.

Is this really the way you end the song? If so, its a nice touch. Usually I am not a fan of repetative lines, but this gives the impression that you are about to go through the whole thing again, which, if I'm not wrong, is exactly what the whole piece is trying to convey.

In all, you clearly know hwo to write. Very good job. Some forced rhymes, a few too many cliches and maybe a bit short at parts, but a couple of the liens are very good, and overall the theme is easy good as well. Flow is nice, although the rhyming at parts can harm it when you force the rhymes. Avoid that and you could make it even better.

11-04-2005, 03:07 PM	#5
uncertaindrumer USER INFO » Status: Wound Up Posts: 1,255 Joined: Dec 2004 Currently: Offline	Quote: (Originally Posted by MrSeeker) Shaking Hands With Knives Love the Title. Makes me want to continue reading. Quote: Is this regret I taste or just more blood A gun shot wound to the head or another dud I'm dancing around the truth again And I'm so familiar to being foreign I really like that first line. Very good. The second line is weak though, and you know it. "dud"? Just doesn't fit in a song this somber. You don't have to rhyme, especially when it is that forced. The last two liens are pretty generic, nothing bad or good really. Quote: To tell you the truth, I'm trying To tell you the truth, I'm crying Meh. More generic stuff. Quote: Is this black or white or shades of gray Is this when everything will pass away I'm dancing on my own grave again And I'm writing the end with pencil, not pen All so I can erase my future like I did my past When I was the winner that still came in last The first three lines are all cliches. It would be better to avoid cliches, especially three in a row, unless you make a POINT of them being cliches, then you can get around it. The fourth line I REALLY REALLY like. I think that is the most inventive line I have heard in a while. But you hurt a bit with the fifth line. The whole point is to let people make their own conclusions. You can't spell everything out for them. The fact that you are writing in pencil SHOWS what you intend. You don't need to repeat it by saying "So i can erase..." Not a bad line on its own, but the fifth jsut harms a brilliant fourth. The last line is SOMEWHAT overused but here it works well. Quote: Playing God with our own lives Is like shaking hands with knives Good. I like this. Not the best ever but good. Quote: Soon enough to get cut and bled Soon to lay as waste amongst the dead No no no. Don't force something this much. "bled" barely fits here at all and it is clear you just wanted it to rhyme. Quote: Is this regret I taste or just more blood. Is this really the way you end the song? If so, its a nice touch. Usually I am not a fan of repetative lines, but this gives the impression that you are about to go through the whole thing again, which, if I'm not wrong, is exactly what the whole piece is trying to convey. In all, you clearly know hwo to write. Very good job. Some forced rhymes, a few too many cliches and maybe a bit short at parts, but a couple of the liens are very good, and overall the theme is easy good as well. Flow is nice, although the rhyming at parts can harm it when you force the rhymes. Avoid that and you could make it even better. __________________ Titans baby, Titans.