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uncertaindrumer · 11-04-2005, 09:02 AM

Quote: (Originally Posted by metalanus) something deep inside of me swells up like an ocean wave
as I gaze at the stars tonight, alone but for the wind at my side
and I hope your looking up too, and feeling the same thing
seeing all is not lost, that tomarrows another day

Come on, you are better than "tommorrow's another day". Here's a general tip for writing lyrics. If the listener/reader KNOWS what is coming next--don't do it. That always has served me well. I am searching for some flow here, as well as a theme, but the theme doesn't need to reveal itself in the first stanza, necessarily.

Also, the vocabularly could probably use a little help. "Feeling the same thing". I don't know, try to mix it up a bit. That is really simple.

Quote: here we are in the brackish of life , things are not going all that well
I belive things happen for a reason ,all part of a greater plan
and I hope you are in it, I pray that your in it

Again, nothing special here. I definitely wouldn't repeat "you're in it". While it is passable for one line, sort of, definitely not worth two. Try some variety. Maybe something like "And I hope you've been in it, since the day it was written" or just something different.

Quote: I didn't ask for any of this, it was all given to me
and I'm glad I had no choice, cause I might have chosen otherwise
when things started collecting, and dammed my river
you were the path of least resistance, by which I flowed on

No no no. Do NOT repeat words in the same line unless there is a specific reason for doing so. All it does is make it sound like you wrote it in ten seconds and couldn't think of anything better. Do somethign at least like "I'm glad I had no options, cuz I might have chozen otherwise". Although I don't really liek the "otherwise" anyway, at least then you would be using different words. That last line is just bad. Sorry, not much else I can say about it. Not only are you using a cliche (cliches=bad) but then, "by which I flowed on" is just a grammatically tortured, flow-killing, detrimental line.

So yeah anyway, the theme is pretty obvious. It is a usual one, though. I have always said songs should either have new themes, or express old themes in new ways. I'm not really sure this one did either but at least, except for one line, it wasn't bad.

So in review:

No cheesy rhymes
No forced rhymes
Don't repeat words unless there is a very specific reason to
Try to keep it unique
Try to use some better vocabulary
Maybe a bit longer, also
AVOID CLICHES
If they know whats coming, that's a bad thing

Hope I helped.

11-04-2005, 09:02 AM	#3
uncertaindrumer USER INFO » Status: Wound Up Posts: 1,255 Joined: Dec 2004 Currently: Offline	Quote: (Originally Posted by metalanus) something deep inside of me swells up like an ocean wave as I gaze at the stars tonight, alone but for the wind at my side and I hope your looking up too, and feeling the same thing seeing all is not lost, that tomarrows another day Come on, you are better than "tommorrow's another day". Here's a general tip for writing lyrics. If the listener/reader KNOWS what is coming next--don't do it. That always has served me well. I am searching for some flow here, as well as a theme, but the theme doesn't need to reveal itself in the first stanza, necessarily. Also, the vocabularly could probably use a little help. "Feeling the same thing". I don't know, try to mix it up a bit. That is really simple. Quote: here we are in the brackish of life , things are not going all that well I belive things happen for a reason ,all part of a greater plan and I hope you are in it, I pray that your in it Again, nothing special here. I definitely wouldn't repeat "you're in it". While it is passable for one line, sort of, definitely not worth two. Try some variety. Maybe something like "And I hope you've been in it, since the day it was written" or just something different. Quote: I didn't ask for any of this, it was all given to me and I'm glad I had no choice, cause I might have chosen otherwise when things started collecting, and dammed my river you were the path of least resistance, by which I flowed on No no no. Do NOT repeat words in the same line unless there is a specific reason for doing so. All it does is make it sound like you wrote it in ten seconds and couldn't think of anything better. Do somethign at least like "I'm glad I had no options, cuz I might have chozen otherwise". Although I don't really liek the "otherwise" anyway, at least then you would be using different words. That last line is just bad. Sorry, not much else I can say about it. Not only are you using a cliche (cliches=bad) but then, "by which I flowed on" is just a grammatically tortured, flow-killing, detrimental line. So yeah anyway, the theme is pretty obvious. It is a usual one, though. I have always said songs should either have new themes, or express old themes in new ways. I'm not really sure this one did either but at least, except for one line, it wasn't bad. So in review: No cheesy rhymes No forced rhymes Don't repeat words unless there is a very specific reason to Try to keep it unique Try to use some better vocabulary Maybe a bit longer, also AVOID CLICHES If they know whats coming, that's a bad thing Hope I helped. __________________ Titans baby, Titans.