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11-11-2005, 01:30 AM | #1 |
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experation date...
experation date...
Dawn is braking and my spine is gone So I sit pondering where it all went wrong Here comes the pain Defaming my name Setting fire to my hate Fueling my suicidal fate Beset by your love and tossed to the tide Your lies have burned me from inside All I'm seeing is leading me to believe That if I try to accept you that you will leave And that devastates me beyond compare Knowing I need you and you won't be there Dehumanized to the fullest affect Just an object for you to reject You're a wound that just won't heal You're the cut I just can't feel And when all of me is bled dry Will you cry Will it kill you inside I pray to God it does Because I'm killing what once was I've choked down defeat too many times before But not this time, this is war You have outlived your experation date.
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11-11-2005, 09:05 AM | #2 |
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Come on man you know better than to put that second lin in there. How many times are we told people are pondering where it all went wrong? This seems really cliche. I have basically heard all of this before, except for the second line, and that almost seems out of place, like you just wanted it to rhyme. I really like the first line but then you force another rhyme in there. Not bad, the best part of the piece, but the rhyming is starting to make it sound childish. You rhyme "leave" with "leave". I know it doesn't look like you rhymed a word with itself but you did. That's a no no. Come on, you can do better than this. Again, I have heard this all a million times before AND the rhyme isn't even worth it. Your four year old brother could rhyme "heal" with "feel". So unless you want to sound like Linkin Park, I'd stay away from that. The first two lines are better. Hrrmmm.... This seems more aggressive than the rest. Like your complaining and then all of the sudden you are being almost murderous. Kinda strange. Interesting but strange. Either way very blunt. You rarely hide things behind metaphors. I think this is nowhere near as good as your "shaking hands with knives". That one wasn't quite so blunt and straightforward, and the theme wasn't quite so overused.
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11-11-2005, 11:04 AM | #3 |
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One of your tens man yea i liked it
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I Indeed Babtize you with water BUT ONE Mightier Than I Cometh The Latchet Of Whose Shoes I,am Not Worthy To Unloose He Shall Babtize You With The Holy Ghost And With FIREEEEEEEEEE John The Babtist You Never Count Your Money When YOUR Sittin At The Table There Will Be Time Enough To Count,em When The Dealings Done |
11-12-2005, 12:11 AM | #4 |
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Thank you.
[quote=uncertaindrumer] You rarely hide things behind metaphors.[quote] ha....haha....hahahahahahahaha. That right there is funny. I've kind of been going down hill the past month or so. I don't know, maybe I've ran out inspiration.
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11-12-2005, 10:14 AM | #5 |
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:d
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I Indeed Babtize you with water BUT ONE Mightier Than I Cometh The Latchet Of Whose Shoes I,am Not Worthy To Unloose He Shall Babtize You With The Holy Ghost And With FIREEEEEEEEEE John The Babtist You Never Count Your Money When YOUR Sittin At The Table There Will Be Time Enough To Count,em When The Dealings Done |
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