[Lunar Shadow]

Invite their children to go to church with you.

Insist there is a God, and show them where it says so in the Bible.

Tell them that the universe is too complex to "just exist," and must have been created by a God who "just exists."

Make up statistics.

Accuse them of persecuting you.

Use multiple versions of Pascal's Wager as though you thought them up yourself.

Cite Kent Hovind as a legitimate source of information.

...and call him "Dr. Hovind."

Tell them they know in their hearts that God exists.

Use bad math to back up your claims.

Drink the last beer in the fridge.

When given a Bible verse that looks bad, tell them that's what the verse says, but that's not what it means.

Repeat something over and over, as if that made it true.

Repeat something over and over, as if that made it true.

Repeat something over and over, as if that made it true.

Point out that the fact that they talk about God so much proves God's existence.

Insist that Noah's Ark and the Shroud of Turin are real

...then tell them about the special on FOX where you saw it.

Ask them how they know God isn't real if they can't see the air.

Say: God doesn’t believe in atheists.

Admonish them to have sex for reproductive purposes only.

Tell them about Christ's plan for salvation for the billionth time and assume they have never heard it before.

Insist that a person who makes Christianity look bad was not a True Christian.

Speak to them with a fake Australian accent.

…and tell them that a banana is proof that God exists.

Claim that archaeology is proof of the Bible's truth.

Claim that atheism is a belief.

Claim that circular reasoning is legitimate due to circular reasoning being legitimate.

Offer inane apologetics books in the hopes that they haven't heard the arguments in them a thousand times already.

Patiently explain that the 42 children that were torn to bits by two bears sent by God were not really children, but spawn of Satan.

Carefully explain that Lot's daughters were never in danger of gang rape, and that Lot knew this all along.

Tell them that they can't love anyone -- that's why they can't love God.

Offer to drive, then insist on listening to Christian Talk Radio.

...and laugh when you hear "This condom-nation will face condemnation."

Insist that Thomas Jefferson was a Christian.

Claim that Darwin recanted evolution on his deathbed.

Say that evolution is not proven -- therefore the Bible is correct.

Tell them it's their responsibility to prove that God doesn't exist.

Say that God can't reveal himself with any real proof, because that would remove the need for faith.

When something awful happens, tell them not to blame God -- he doesn't interfere.

When something wonderful happens, tell them to credit God -- he made it happen.

Show that the Bible must be true because when you take the original Hebrew letters, spread them out and twist them around, you can spell words.

Spell it "evilution."

Constantly attempt to equate atheism with theism.

Say that God still believes in them, whether or not they believe in God.

Tell them that everyone has faith in SOMETHING.

Ask how they can have any morals if they don’t believe in God.

Talk about all the great things Dubya is going to do for our nation.

Insist that homosexuality is a choice.

Tell them that it's not a religion -- it's a personal relationship with Jesus Christ.

Fail to have a basic grasp of history. (Spanish Inquisition? What's that?)

Start your own university dedicated to religious narrow-mindedness and restriction of free choice.

...and name it "Liberty."

Perpetually ask saps for money on your television show.

Avoid taxes and regulations because you're doing God's work.

Grossly misunderstand the word "theory."

Declare that without God there are no ultimate answers to anything.

...then declare that WITH God there is an ultimate answer to everything -- and that answer is God.

Ask how they can possibly raise children in a godless environment.

Talk to them with the assumption that they share your beliefs -- i.e. start a sentence with "You know how God wants us to..."

When the subject of homosexuality comes up, say "God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve."

...and expect it to be taken as an intelligent remark.

Reply to every statement they make, "That's only your opinion."

Point to something in nature that's really cool, and call it proof of God's existence.

Insist that a denomination of Protestantism founded in the nineteenth century is the only true way.

When ending your conversation with the atheist, promise to read whatever book the atheist may have mentioned, knowing darned well that you yourself never made it through Leviticus.