share a joke thread
 

won't explain what you do in this thread LOL....a little dirty but hey they're funny! :p besides how many clean jokes are actually funny? :laugh:

A man walks into a bar and sits next to a really attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance and then glances at his watch. The woman can't help but notice this and asks "Is your date running late?" "No" he replies, " I just bought this state of the art watch and I'm just testing it." "State of the art? Whats so special about it? " The man replies "It uses alpha waves to telepatically talk to me". "Wow so what is it telling you now?" The man replies "Well right now its telling me you're not wearing any panties!" The woman giggles and says "I'm sorry but it must be broken because I am wearing panties!" "Oh damn he replies, the thing must be running an hour fast!"

A Greek and an Italian are debating about their respective cultures and who's is better. The Italian says "We had the Roman empire who ran the whole known world and brought civilization to the masses. We also built the Colesseum. The Greek replies "Well that is true but we introduced Socrates and Plato to the world and Democracy comes from Greece. But best of all the Greeks invented sex!"

The Italian retorts "Well that is true, but we introduced it to women!"
(no offence to any greek here LMAO)

Re: share a joke thread
 

hehehe...nice once ausssie.......ahh....damn.....all the jokes i know are the dirty ones.................damn...i dont think i can/wana post em here

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A guy goes to his doctor because he's been having trouble remembering things. After a battery of tests the doctor says "unfortunately I have bad news, and I have very bad news." "What's the very bad news?" the man asks warily."Well, says the doctor, "Our tests show that you have cancer and only have three weeks to live." "Oh my God!", says the man. "Well, what's the bad news?" "Well, our tests indicate that you also have Alzhiemer's disease.", says the doc. "Well, I can always look on the bright side," says the man. "At least I don't have cancer!"

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patient to the doctor: "doctor....am i gonna be alright....is my lever oK"

doctor: "i have got bad news.....i am afraid ur lever has a brain tumor"

oh boy
 

mines to explit or i would love to share i dont know any clean ones HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA THREE WHITE HORSES FELL IN A MUD HOLE :D

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Whats the only part of a vegitable you can't eat


Wait for it












































The Wheelchair

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^Thats ruckin runny!!

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Why didn't Superman Save the Drowning Girl?




































because he is in a wheelchair

Re: oh boy
 

hehehhee :D

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what was the last thing to go through Kurt Cobain's mind?




































His Teeth

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Why, Kurt, Why?!?




:killtard:

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harry n tom were frnd n in this school they both got a "F" in
sex education by this cool teacher...
pretty much pissed of
harry says: " Man our teacher is a bitch"
Tom: "ya lets have some pay back"
harry:"how come"
Tom:" lets grab her after da school"


& kick her balls.........

Re: share a joke thread
 

I know many more but I will probably get Banned if I post them :)

Re: share a joke thread
 

i,ll be good :)

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how do you kill Superman?



















































Stand on his air hose

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You might be a rdneck if it takes two twinkies, a beer, and your sister to get to second base.







sorry, it had to be done.

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here's some of my faves. sorry if some are reposts.

so these two peanuts were walking down the street, and one of them was "asalted."


knock, knock.
who's there?
cow goes.
cow goes, who?
no! cow goes moo!


ask someone if they want to hear the greatest knock knock joke in the world. they say yes. then tell them to start it. then, when you say "who's there?" they get confused!


what do you call a cow with no legs?
ground beef.

what do you call a cow with two legs?
lean beef.

what do you call a cow with three legs?
tri-tip

how does a butcher introduce his wife?
meet [meat] patty.


H-D :pimp:

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:D

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What do you call a bag full of mutilated monkey parts?

Rhesus Pieces.

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Question: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Buddha:
Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

Colonel Sanders:
Damn, I missed one!

Anderson Consulting:
Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.

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damn!^

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Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, ...for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

If at first you don't succeed...... then Skydiving is not for you

What if the Hokey Pokey really IS what its all about?

Dyslexic Satanists sell thier souls to Santa.

The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.

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Match Made in Heaven

A young couple were driving down the road one day, happily, deliriously in love and due to be married the next day. Suddenly, a large truck swerved from the oncoming lanes into their car! BOOM! And they both died.

At the Pearly Gates, the young couple confronted St. Peter. "Sir, you have to help us! We were to be married tomorrow. Is there any way we can be married in Heaven?"

"Hmmm," replied St. Peter, "I don't recall there ever being a marriage in Heaven. Well, let's take it up with God and see what he says."

So they approached God with their plea. God sat for a moment, pondering the request. Then he looked down and said, "Come back in five years and ask me again."

Five years later, the couple approached God again, even more in love than ever and pleading that he allow their marriage. God paused for quite a while, musing over their request. Then he spoke, "Come back in five years and ask me again."

And once again, five years later, the couple was again in the presence of God, more in love than ever and begging God's permission for the third time to marry. This time God smiled broadly and thundered, "Yes my children, you may marry!"

Well, the wedding went off beautifully, the reception was huge, everyone thought the bride was simply breathtaking and the groom was soooo handsome, and everyone was happy! Until...

Two years later, the couple was back before God, and things were not looking so good. The couple had come to the realization almost immediately that although marriages were made in heaven, they didn't last very long there! And, in spite of their struggles to come to terms with the situation, they had decided there simply was no alternative but to get a divorce.

Black clouds fractured by lightening rolled across the sky, and the ground shook with explosive thunder. God glared down at the tiny couple before him, his face becoming dark and angry, and he roared, "Divorce?! Impossible!!! It took us TEN years just to find a priest in Heaven! Do you have any idea how long it will take to find a LAWYER?!!"

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Why doesn't Osama bin Laden have sex with his five wives?

Because every time he spreads their legs he sees Bush.

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A guy is walking past a high, solid wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"

He continues walking along the long fence, but, being a curious person, he can't help but wonder why they are chanting "Thirteen!" over and over. Could it be that they are chugging beer? Are they perhaps taking turns beating one of the inmates? Maybe they are counting the number of patients that have leapt off of the roof thus far.

His curiosity peaks and he frantically searches for a hole in the fence so that he may see what is going on. Finally, he spots one a few feet ahead. The hole is low in the fence and he has to kneel down to peer inside.

He moves into position and peeks into the hole. As he looks in, someone inside pokes him in the eye! Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"

Re: share a joke thread
 

hah!!^^

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A very intelligent Englishmen gets a check-up from his physician. Some time later he is told some very bad news. "I'm sorry sir but you have a very serious brain disease and we'll have to remove 20% of your brain matter to save your life. Your life will be saved but you intelligence will drop to that of a Irish peasant from the 13th century." The man responds "Well that is terrible but do what you do, in order to save my life". The man goes into surgery and wakes up to hear from the doctor "I'm sorry sir but the situation was much more serious than we thought and we have to remove 60% of your brain matter!" The Englishman responds "Fair dinkum?"

LOL see I can laugh at myself! :laugh:

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A man goes to see the doctor and tells the doc that his penis has turned orange.

The doctor looks at it and says, "I haven't ever seen any thing like this before in my entire medical career. What do you do for a living? Do you work around any hazardous materials?" The man says no.

The doctor asks the man what he does all day. The man responds, "Nothing." The doctor is really puzzled now and says, "You can't not do anything. What do you do at home all day?"

The man replies, "Honestly, doc I, don't do anything. I just sit around, watch porno flicks and eat Cheetos."

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^ lol ............... damn..... orange is a bit overexagerated but still true...........

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A man walks into a doctors office. He says, "Doctor, I'm suffering
from silent gas emissions. All day at work, I have these silent gas
emissions. Last night during a movie, I had 10 silent gas emissions.
This morning in the car on the way to your office, I had five silent
gas emissions. And while waiting in your waiting room I had three
silent gas emissions. Right now, as a matter of fact, I've just had
two more."
The doctor replied, "Well, the first thing we're going to do is
check is your hearing!"

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A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you." After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died.

He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan was that when he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.

Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife had gone up in the attic to clean. Coming upon the two forgotten pillowcases stuffed with cash she exclaimed, "Oh, that darned old fool, I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."

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One day, three boys were walking over a bridge when they heard a guy yelling for help. It was President Bush. He was drowning, and the three boys rescued him. He thanked them dearly and promised them whatever they wanted as a reward.

The first boy wanted $10,000, so Bush gave him the money. The second boy wanted a Ferrari, so Bush gave the boy a Ferrari.

The third boy wanted a wheelchair, Bush said, "Why do you want one of those, son, you're not handicapped." The boy replied, "I will be when my dad finds out whose life I saved."

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Tom is walking down the street when he sees a pirate with a steering wheel on his crotch. Curious, he walks up to the pirate and says, "Doesn't that steering wheel bother you?" And the pirate responds, "ARGGGGHHHH IT'S DRIVING ME NUTS!"

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Once upon a time, in the middle of the ocean, there was the Island of Trid.

It seems that most of the Island of Trid was covered by a large mountain. On this mountain lived a Giant. The Giant did not allow Trids on his mountain. If a Trid dared to climb onto the mountain, the Giant would kick him into the ocean. Trids are notoriously bad swimmers, and frequently drowned when kicked into the ocean.

The Trids were a very sexual people, and the population had grown quite large. Every square inch of the island, except the mountain, was crowded with Trids.

The Trids spent their days crowded together, dreaming of the open space available on the ever visible mountain. Every few days, a Trid would decide he couldn't stand the crowds any more. He would start to climb the mountain, and the Giant would kick the Trid into the ocean.The Trids were a very depressed people.

One day a traveling Rabbi visited the Island of Trid. Despite their overcrowded conditions, the Trids were extremely generous to this man of God.

The Rabbi decided to return the favor, and to go plead the Trid's case to the Giant. "Surely the Giant can be convinced to share some of the mountain with you," the Rabbi explained.

The Trids were horrified. "Please don't go, Rabbi", the Trids implored. "The Giant will kick you into the ocean, and you will surely drown."

The Rabbi was stubborn, and insisted that he talk to the Giant. The Trids sent out every boat they had. They formed a ring around the island, so that they would be able to rescue the Rabbi.

The Rabbi started walking towards the mountain. No sign of the Giant.

He walked through the foothills, and there was no sign of the Giant.

He started up the slopes of the mountain, further than any Trid had ever been. Still no sign of the Giant.

Finally he reached the summit of the mountain. There the Giant was waiting for him. The Rabbi asked "Tell me Giant, why have you allowed me to climb to the top of the mountain, without kicking me off the moment I started climbing?"

And the Giant replied, "Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids!

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A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proudof himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of herobjections.

One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home, andwants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.

He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home now Mother of Six?"

His wife, finally fed up with her husband shouts back,

"Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"

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HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA :laugh: i wonder what happend after this new found father of four got home with his wife Uh Oh HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

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In the world of romance, one single rule applies to the
men: Make the
woman
happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do
something she
dislikes
and points are subtracted.
You don't get any points for doing something she
expects. Sorry, that's
the
way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed (+1)
You make
the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) In the rain (+
But return
with
Beer (-5)
You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something
(+5)
You pummel it with iron rod (+10)
It's her pet (-10)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat
with a college
buddy
(-2)
Named Tina (-4)
Tina is a dancer (-6)
Tina has silicon implants (-80)

HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner (0)

You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar
(+1)
Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)
And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your
face is painted
the
colors of your favorite team (-10)

A NIGHT OUT
You take her to a movie (+2)
You take her to a movie she likes (+4)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It's called 'ROBOCOP' (-3)

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans
(-15)

YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get
rid of it (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy
jeans and baggy
Hawaiian shirts
(-30)
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)

ENJOY THE 'BIG' QUESTION
She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) [Yes, you LOSE points no
matter WHAT]
You hesitate in responding (-10)




You reply, "Where?" (-35)
Any other response (-20)

COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem , you listen,
displaying what
looks
like a concerned expression (0)
You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at
the TV (+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep
(-10000)








Do all the good you can,by all the means you can,in all
the ways you
can,in
all the places you can,at all the times you can,to all
the people you
can,as
long as you ever can.

Re: share a joke thread
 

truth, 100% truth.^
(most of the time.)

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A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall. Every day when she looks out, she sees an old Jewish man praying vigorously. So, the journalist goes down and introduces herself to the old man.

She asks, "You come every day to the wall. How long have you done that, and what are you praying for?"The old man replies, "I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. In the morning I pray for world peace and then for the brotherhood of man. I go home, have a cup of tea, and I come back and pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth."

The journalist is amazed. "How does it make you feel to come here every day for 25 years and pray for these things?" she asks.

The old man looks at her sadly. "Like I'm talking to a wall."

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A Bible study group was discussing the unforeseen possibility of their sudden death. The leader of the discussion said, "We will all die some day, and none of us really know when, but if we did we would all do a better job of preparing ourselves for that inevitable event."

Everybody nodded their heads in agreement with this comment.Then the leader said to the group, "What would you do if you knew you only had four weeks of life remaining before your death, and then the Great Judgment Day?"

A gentleman said, "I would go out into my community and minister the Gospel to those that have not yet accepted the Lord into their lives."

"Very good!" said the group leader, and all the group members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do.

One lady spoke up and said enthusiastically, "I would dedicate all of my remaining time to serving God, my family, my church, and my fellow man with a greater conviction."

"That's wonderful!" the group leader commented, and all the group members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do.

But one gentleman in the back finally spoke up loudly and said, "I would go to my mother-in-law's house for the four weeks."

Everyone was puzzled by this answer, and the group leader ask, "Why your mother-in-law's home?"

Then the gentleman smiled sarcastically and said, "Because, that would make them the longest four weeks of my life!"